The Snow He Never Saw

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NB: This article was written before Craig era

The role of James Bond has been featured by five actors so far. In 21 films. Still, one must admit that every time 007 actually does the same: he will fight the evil, save the world, seduce women, shoot the henchmen, drink martini, fight the evil again, seduce more women, drink champagne, occasionally reporting to M, having a chitchat with Miss Moneypenny, and dropping in at Q branch. It's so usual to see Bond performing all these actions. However, there are some things (and often, quite ordinary ones) which one actor's Bond does a way too frequently, while another actor's Bond - NEVER. Someone went to a theatre, someone visited a museum, someone NEVER ordered a single martini, someone NEVER ran out of gas.

This article concerns such statistics, curious if rather pointless...

SEAN CONNERY

Amazingly, Sean Connery's Bond NEVER saw such a trivial thing as SNOW! His 007 often found himself in different parts of the world, in quite exotic locations, yet he NEVER ever happened to feast his eyes upon so huge and white fluffy snowflakes, falling slowly on piles of the SPECTRE agent's dead bodies...

At the same time, ONLY Sean's Bond saw Blofeld's cat in flesh! Twice - in YOLT and DAF. Neither Lazenby, nor Moore were honoured with it.

Commendable, throughout his career, Connery's Bond NEVER cooperated with a criminal mastermind! The others did: Lazenby's Bond dealt with Marc-Ange Draco (Corsican Capo), Moore's Bond - with Colombo (Greek smuggler), Dalton's Bond - with Kamran Shah (Afghan drug dealer), and Brosnan's Bond - with Valentine Zhukovsky (Russian businessman).

And, of all the Bonds, ONLY Sean's Bond can be seen singing (DN).

GEORGE LAZENBY

Of course, it's a little bit unfair to run such statistics on account of the actor who played Bond once only. The plot of OHMSS didn't even allow 007 to kill the arch enemy.

Alas, Lazenby's Bond NEVER flew on a plane and he NEVER jumped with a parachute. He NEVER did scuba-diving and he NEVER got onboard of a ship (not counting the fish-boat in the pre-title sequence). Lazenby's Bond NEVER went behind the Iron Curtain. Why, he didn't even visit Q branch! However, only his 007 was in the ever most sacred place - M's home. And it was his Bond (a half Scot, by the way) who happened to wear a kilt. Moreover, it is OHMSS where James Bond (for the first and the last time) drinks beer. The other 007's NEVER knew its taste. As for snow, how about the avalanche?

ROGER MOORE

Indeed, this every inch a gentleman is exceptional in all respects. It's probably far easier to name those things done by Moore's Bond ONLY.

For starters: of all the Bonds, it is his who went to outer space. However, there are more common places NEVER visited by the other 007s. A museum, for example (MR).

ONLY Moore's Bond had to refrain from sleeping with a girl who made an explicit pass at him. The other Bonds NEVER ran into such an absurdity.

ONLY Moore's Bond happened to get an assignment from Chief-of-Staff (FYEO).

ONLY Roger Moore's Bond actually talks to a CHILD! (TMWTGG) And it was Moore's Bond to be decorated with the Order of Lenin. However, there is an important thing for Bond NEVER done by Moore. He got a most striking car - Lotus Esprit, but it was his 007, unlike the others, who NEVER drove an Aston Martin.

Throughout his seven movies, Roger Moore drinks martini three times only, NEVER ordering it himself (according to The Minister of Martinis). But since Lazenby's Bond didn't order it either, this 'never' isn't counted here.

TIMOTHY DALTON

Strangely enough, Dalton's Bond NEVER eats. The others do sometimes manage to nibble a bit - some caviar, a grape, a spoon of soufflé, while ONLY Dalton the tenacious does without any food whatsoever. Only martini and champagne (Bollinger RD). It's no surprise, though... he seems to live on fine arts: four theatres visited in TLD! Well, what could you possibly expect from a Shakespearean actor?

Wow, Saunders! Check it out! heh-heh-heh... Theatre rules!

Curiously, Dalton's Bond NEVER saw trains (not counting trams) and he NEVER cracked a single safe. He NEVER got into Moneypenny's office, and in LTK he didn't even get a chance to chitchat with her! And the most unspeakable: Dalton's Bond (the closest to Fleming's character) NEVER plays Baccarat! In LTK, this heathen plays Blackjack!

PIERCE BROSNAN

Unlike Sean Connery's Bond, Brosnan's 007 sees snow in every movie. He's NEVER ridden a horse, though, and has NEVER seen one.

- Now, pay attention, 007. This is a heavily modified model of a horse, all the usual refinements, including body armour, five gears, remote control, and GPS...

On the other hand, he's ridden a bike, twice. Before him, it was done by Sean Connery, in the unofficial Never Say Never Again. Besides, when it comes to motorized vehicles, Brosnan's 007 is quite lucky: at least, he NEVER runs out of gas.

And yet more curious observation: Brosnan's Bond is actually the only one to have encountered a Russian arch enemy, i.e. Alec Trevelyan, of course, whose parents were Cossacks.

Finally, a couple of 'nevers' concerning all the five actors: first, none of the Bonds visited Australia; and second, while only Connery's 007 NEVER saw snow, none of them ever saw rain. It never rains around here...

© 2004 Vlad Pavlov

Special thanks to kv007 a.k.a. Brandon W for the provided image from TLD